drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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