it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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