So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
