bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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