I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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