Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
