Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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