I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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