Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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