i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
