my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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