Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
