Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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