Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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