I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
