soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
