so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
