Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
