ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
