Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
