Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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