my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
false alarm, still single
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
