Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
