Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I party with great urgency now.
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