How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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