If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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