she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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