I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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