is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
