I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
