he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
