I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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