Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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