I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
