I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
