he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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