last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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