my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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