I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Someone shattered a urinal.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
