Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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