K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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