You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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