Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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