im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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