You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
