Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
