i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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