I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
