I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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