got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
