When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
