he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
