I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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