Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
