I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
