i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
