Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
