Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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