walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
