WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dignity is for republicans.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
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Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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