I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
