I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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