i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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