Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
